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EXCERPT

SAM:  (taking glass) Whatever this is, Irene, it can’t possibly be strong enough.  (gulps it down)   Hokay, family meeting!

(He grabs EDDIE and BRITTANY each by an arm, and the four D’Baquels move DS.   The party resumes quietly behind them.)

BRITTANY:  What’s up, Daddy?

SAM:  Here’s what’s up.   If you ask me, I think – …

(He stops because he suddenly notices JAKE, who has joined their family huddle and is listening intently.   SAM’s threatening look makes JAKE realize he’s not welcome; JAKE retreats to a more peripheral position.).

SAM: (to family)   All right.   What’s really going on here?

EDDIE:  Where?

SAM:  Here!   This place!   Kooksville, USA!

IRENE: What do you mean, Sam?   We’re all having a wonderful time.

SAM:  Yeah?   Well, I smell a rat.

EDDIE: (shrug) Call housekeeping.

SAM: (ignoring him)   I tell you, something doesn’t feel right to me.   Too many things just don’t add up.

BRITTANY:  Like what, Daddy?

SAM: First of all … have any of you, in the entire time we’ve been here, seen this Innkeeper Fred guy, even for an instant?

EDDIE: (shrug) No.

(The others shrug and shake their heads.)

SAM:  OK.   And think about it.   Do we actually have any tangible evidence that this character even exists?

BRITTANY: Who?   Innkeeper Fred?

SAM:  Shhhh!   (looking around)   Don’t say his name too loud!   It overexcites the natives.

IRENE: You don’t think Innkeeper Fred exists?   Oh, Sam … please, honey!   What kind of silliness is that?

SAM: Irene.   Ask yourself this question.   If this guy really existed – if he were a real person – don’t you think that somebody somewhere would call the man just plain Fred?!!

IRENE:  What?

SAM: Innkeeper Fred, Innkeeper Fred!   Who goes by a name like that?!   Would you go by a name like that?   Hey, look! It’s Housewife Irene!   I believe I’ll go over and play bridge with Housewife Irene!   After she gets home from the carpool with her two kids, Cheerleader Brittany and … Slacker Ed!

EDDIE: (pulling knit cap over his face, posing like a wrestler)   How about, Big Ed the Mangler?

IRENE: Honey, look.   They talk about Innkeeper Fred right here in the brochure.

SAM: Slick marketing, Irene, nothing more.   I can claim anything in a brochure.   We do it all the time in the gravy business.   Our Gravy No. 28? Sassy Sushi Saucy? People don’t even realize that it’s exactly the same formula as our Gravy No. 6.

IRENE: Smoking Mojave lava?   No!

SAM:  Believe it.

EDDIE: Well, why don’t you just make one flavor out of them, Dad?

SAM: Because, Einstein … then we’d only have 30 flavors, wouldn’t we?   Duhhh!

BRITTANY:  I still don’t understand.   What’s that got to do with Innkeeper Fred?

SAM: Shhhh! (cupping her mouth)   The name!   You saw what happened a minute ago.   This place looked like a jailbreak from an ant farm!

EDDIE:  Right on …

SAM:  Listen to me, all of you.   I’ll bet everything I have that Innkeeper Fred is Innkeeper Fraud! A complete myth.   He doesn’t exist any more than Sassy Sushi Saucy does.

IRENE:  Well, why would they put him in the brochure, Sam?

SAM: It’s all a ploy, Irene!   Don’t you see?   Why do you think they send out free invitations – huh?   Get people believing that there’s this magical Innkeeper Fred guy, and that he’s this famous icon that anybody would naturally want to be around.   And then, when the people start coming from miles around …. Uh-huh! …. You put your creepy bellhop in position to get his hands on their precious luggage!

IRENE:  Honestly, Sam.   What, do you think all of these wonderful people here are in on the plot?   They obviously believe there’s a real Innkeeper Fred.

SAM: They’re the victims, Irene!   Don’t you see?   They’re brainwashed, is what it is.     How else to explain the fact that every single one of them is absolutely whacked!

BRITTANY: Whacked, yes.   But, Daddy, brainwashed?!

SAM: Yes, sweetie!   And we will be, too, if we’re not careful!

IRENE: Sam, you’re just being paranoid.   If you want to know about Innkeeper Fred, why don’t you just ask Clarisse?

SAM:  No, no!   She’s … (looking around suspiciously) … one of them.

IRENE:  Who?

SAM: Who do you think?   The conspirators!   She’s probably the mastermind behind the whole thing!

(They all gaze at CLARISSE, who’s doing rather bizarre dance moves off by herself.   Not exactly looking like a criminal mastermind.)

IRENE: Oh, now, stop this, Sam.   (calling to CLARISSE)   Clarisse?   Could you come over here for a moment, please?

CLARISSE:     Certainly!

(CLARISSE dances over to them)

SAM: (as she’s coming, through his teeth) I don’t need to talk to Clarisse!

CLARISSE:     (arriving)   Yes?   How may I be of service?

IRENE: Well.   (smiling) Sam here has some questions about –

SAM: No, I don’t!

IRENE:  Oh, yes, you do. (to CLARISSE) Yes, he does.

SAM:  No, I don’t. No questions.   I’m good.   (trying to shoo her) As you were.   Thank you.

CLARISSE:     Is anything wrong?

IRENE:  Actually …

SAM: No!   Nothing wrong!

EDDIE:  Aw, don’t be shy, Dad!   Ask her!

SAM: I am not being shy.   I do not have a problem.   Thank you, Chartreuse.

CLARISSE: Clarisse.

SAM:  Whatever.

IRENE:  Sam! (under her breath, pulling him aside)   Why don’t you just come out and ask her about –

SAM:  Don’t say it.

IRENE: Say what?

SAM: That name.

IRENE: What name?

SAM: (smiling at CLARISSE) You know. That name.   The one we’re not saying.

EDDIE:  (to CLARISSE) He’s afraid a wild ant farm is going to break out.

CLARISSE:  Really?   I used to be afraid that fiddler crabs were going to carry me away in my sleep.

BRITTANY:  That’s awful!

IRENE: You poor thing!

CLARISSE:  Yes. Every time my family went out for seafood, I’d go into hysteria.

SAM:  (losing it) Who cares?!!   Can we get back to our family meeting, please?!

IRENE: Honey, you’re losing it.

SAM:  I am not losing it!