EXCERPT:
RESIDENT: What is it, doctor?
SURGEON: This man … has a hole in him!
PATIENT: I do?
SURGEON: You do.
RESIDENT: He does?
SURGEON: He does. And it’s colossal! Just look at it!
RESIDENT and NURSE lean in, horrified. PATIENT tries to twist and look at his own abdomen, but SURGEON roughly pushes him back down.
SURGEON: Trust me, son, you don’t want to see it! It’s right … in the middle … of your soul!
PATIENT: (alarmed) There’s a hole in my soul?!
SURGEON: There’s a hole … in your soul! And believe you me, that’s not nearly as poetic as it sounds.
NURSE: It’s a whopper!
RESIDENT: What do we do?
SURGEON: We must fill it!
NURSE: Fill the hole?
RESIDENT: Fill it!
SURGEON: Yes! The hole in his soul must be full! (Groucho Marx) And that’s no bull … (shouting) Anesthesia!
RESIDENT: Right! Prep him for the procedure!
SURGEON: No, no … the anesthesia IS the procedure.
SURGEON sits the PATIENT up and hands him a martini.
SURGEON: There! That ought to fill that hole very nicely.
NURSE: Some people say it’s the best anesthesia out there.
PATIENT: (confused) Wait a minute. What about when it wears off?
SURGEON: You just have some more! And then some more! You just keep pumping that stuff in there and, believe me, youmwon’t even know you have a hole!
PATIENT: But … I think I actually want to fill the hole … right?
SURGEON: Do you know how much that’ll cost you, man?!
PATIENT: I have insurance.
SURGEON: You have insurance. (to NURSE) He has insurance. (to PATIENT) Are you sure?! Are you sure it’s the right insurance? Do you have hole-in-your-soul insurance, my friend? Because if you don’t … !
PATIENT: Well …
SURGEON: Fine! (takes martini, slams PATIENT back down on the table) Let’s fill the hole! He’s got insurance.
SURGEON looks at PATIENT’s abdomen again, sizing it up by making a ‘frame’ with his hands.
RESIDENT: You know, doctor, the last physician I worked for …
SURGEON: Quiet in the O.R.!
NURSE: (bellowing) Quiet in the O.R.!
SURGEON: Now. There are several options available to us, but in this case I think I would recommend … (holding out hand to NURSE) … music!
NURSE: Music!
NURSE hands SURGEON an iPod, iTunes cards, and concert tickets. SURGEON begins shoving them into “the hole.”
PATIENT: Music?!
SURGEON: Concert tickets, music videos, eclectically cool playlists … (scrolling iPod screen) You like old-school R&B?
RESIDENT: Doctor, you can’t fill a hole in your soul with music.
SURGEON: People do it all the time, kid. (peering at iPod screen) Ah, here’s the latest greatest thing: hip-hop country western!
PATIENT: That’s not going to work!
SURGEON: You’re telling me. Garth Brooks droppin a rap in saggy jeans … euch!
PATIENT: I mean it’s not going to fill the hole!
SURGEON: Excuse me, are you the doctor here? (pats him on the cheek) I think not. (looks at his abdomen) Augh! It’s not working!
RESIDENT: What do we do?
SURGEON: This is a stubborn one. (holding out hand) Romance!
NURSE: Romance! (hands him a couple of roses)
RESIDENT: Romance will fill the hole?
SURGEON: So they say.
PATIENT: Ouch! You stuck me with the thorns!
SURGEON: Look, that’s the nature of romance, pal. Take your medicine and quit being a baby.
Capstone Drama 